Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny, for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
MIMI: Being a mum, a wife - I thought that's all I ever wanted.
Thought it made me happy. How wrong was I?
For too long now, I've counted on family for my happiness.
Might as well have popped Prozac the last 30 years
for all the good it's done me.
To think, all those wasted years...
I could have been a page three model, me.
Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't change it.
- SHANE: Full Irish, sir. - Full Irish what?
But I can't help wondering how different
life could have been for me.
Thought that counts.
From now on, it's my time.
I want to do what makes me happy.
I'm getting me tits out.
Metaphorically.
- Mrs Maguire... - Billy.
You are trying to seduce me, aren't ya?
Too fucking right.
(GROANS)
Dad...eh, I've been thinking...
Don't, son. It'll only hurt.
It's been a while, like, since...
SHANE: A man like yourself has needs,
and, um, it's not like it's on tap any more...
You need to get laid.
A good shag'll put the spring back in your step.
Business is in good shape - you need some you time.
We thought we'd ease you back into the game. Our treat.
Mam's happy.
We just want you to be.
I am happy.
I'm happy as a pig in shit.
(HE GROANS)
Come on! Get in!
Don't bother, love. I've left my magnifying glass at home.
(JEERING)
MIMI: A big well done for the match today, boys.
(CHEERING)
Billy, man of the match again!
MIMI: And if we carry on playing like this,
we'll be sailing through to the final.
(CHANTING) Billy! Billy! Billy!
Come on, you - kit off, wash down.
I've hardly worked up a sweat sat on the sub bench, have I?
When the fuck am I going to get a game?
Haven't had a look in for the past three.
MIMI: And we've won the last three.
You're slacking, Carl.
I want more commitment off you before I let you back on the pitch.
See, Micky's getting a shower and he's only here as a supporter.
(CHEERING)
That's commitment.
FRANK: Pint.
FRANK: Hello?
When you're ready, pint.
Fucking smiling depressive.
You all right?
Never been better.
Face...smiling. Eyes...crying.
MIMI: You'll be fucking crying in a minute.
Thanks, Frank - I will have one of me own.
(CHANTING) Go! Go! Go! Go!
MAN: Go on, Micky, down it! Down it!
Bastard! Bastard!
(CHEERING)
Billy, do us a favour. Drop a match so I can get a game.
What's it worth?
SHANE: Oi! Back in your box, Carl. He's our secret weapon.
Billy Tutton, future Man City football star.
Whisky-nose Ferguson'll be tripping over himself to sign him.
Billy bend-over.
I mean...
Bend it. Bend it like Billy.
SHANE: Want a pint, Dad?
Aye, just the one. Off into town.
Night out with my old comrades.
We won't wait up.
What's that?!
What? I bought it here.
You get a cut of what I paid for it, anyway. You tax the bootleggers.
Hmm? Anyway, it's medicinal.
Don't care. Hand it over or get out.
Going down?
Then I shall bid you farewell...
Lady Jobsworth.
CHESNEY: Gambling with the shop's profits?
You've got balls, I'll give you that.
Lucky balls.
Anyway, this money's from my own private fund.
JOE: Thinking of renaming the shop. Show it's under new management.
What to?
Joe's Shop.
That's shit.
Customers like simplicity, Ches. First rule of business.
You're hardly here. There must be a rule against that.
Second rule - delegation.
Scrape off the dates on any of the stock past its sell-by.
And no more tick to Sohail.
Right, he's to pay by Friday or it's kneecaps.
I've taught you well. How about returning the favour?
You got a tip for me?
Never trust a man who wears white shoes.
White shoes?
SHANE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, watch yourself -
they're still wet.
Assuming the print dries, it's fucking ace work, mate.
Fancy earning more?
For a bigger cut.
60-40...
to you.
KELLY: You're home early.
Was it a good night?
PADDY: Aye, a quiet night
philosophising and skirt-chasing with my good pals Mossy and Tommo...
Although to the untrained eye,
we looked like degenerate binge drinkers.
Just like old times.
Only...one of them phoned to say they couldn't make it.
SHANE: Not funny.
Piss.
(BABBLES INCOHERENTLY)
Argh!
Are you ashamed of me?
What's brought this on?
All this sneaking about.
You...this...it's all new to me.
I need to get me head round it first, before telling everyone.
Because once we do, it's everyone's business.
I'm not ready for that yet.
This is ours.
MIMI: I like what we have. It's simple.
You never let...
You're always pleasing me.
Force of habit, pleasing everyone.
Even meself.
Don't worry,
I've never met a man yet who knew the right way to tickle
the little man in his boat.
Carl?
Carl! Liam!
I'm alive, I'm alive! Don't bury me!
Thought I was a goner.
I stay out for one night and you piss all over my stuff!
What time is it?
Have you been drinking Russian aftershave?
I told you about drinking bootleg vodka - it's poisonous.
People have died.
Yeah, yeah. Just switch the light on, Professor Know-it-all.
Switch the fucking light on!
What have you got there, love?
That for me? Show Nana.
Where did you get it?
Those boys.
Oi, dickheads! Which one of you twats gave my granddaughter a spliff?
Oi!
You heard her, who was it?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Doctors say you're doing well.
It's going to be a bit of trial and error with the medication,
but it always is with bipolar, apparently.
Can we talk about something else?
This is the only time I get to feel normal in here.
How is everyone?
They don't come and visit. They don't give a shit, I suppose.
They do.
It's been mad busy, everyone's chipping in to help out.
They send their love.
We just want you better and back home, the way it used to be.
I've got a joke.
Husband comes home to his wife and he shouts,
"I've won the Lottery, so pack your bags."
So she says, "Well, what do I pack?"
And he says...
We'll get through this.
He says...
JAMIE: Be a proper family again.
And he says...
Anyone see you?
No.
How old?
14.
I'm 15 next year.
I let you...
Don't come near me!
You was the only one there who understood.
It was a sympathy wank that got out of hand.
Does it matter? We love each other.
If this gets out or I see you again...
...I'll kill you.
Got it, yeah.
Will he be OK?
KELLY: What's the diagnosis?
(MOUTHS)
That vodka had 15 millilitres of pure methylate in it.
Dad's the 30th case the hospital's had in the last two days.
Sit with me.
For the first time in my life,
I'm incapable of looking after myself.
Now, I don't want to be a burden, but...
...I've raised you three with me own hands,
and we've come full circle -
the father has become the son to...
the father's sons...
Get lost! Blind or blind drunk - how is this different?
It's only temporary.
The chance of your eyesight returning is 99.98%.
I thought this was something serious.
It is!
I'm taking you out of school to look after me. I'll need a full-time carer.
He's already missed school today cos of you. He's not missing any more.
Hey, you don't live here, you don't get a say.
Grab us a beer from the fridge.
If you want your eyesight back, you've got to detox-
no drink, smoking or drugs - doctor's orders.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
IAN: Well, you can't, that's the point.
Should've known better than to rely on this family for support.
Your sister made a terrible job of bringing the three of you up.
(LAUGHS)
We're trying to help you.
By depriving me of the very few pleasures I have in this life?
No fucking way. I shall see again on my terms.
Oh! Fuck...
Ah! Fucking piss off!
(BOYS LAUGH)
Is it cos of me, why you're here? Cos if it is...
(LAUGHS) Don't fool yourself.
You seem fine to me.
Why? What did you expect?
Strapped to a bed, off your tits.
That happens later when you lot all fuck off home.
What's new with you, Joe?
The way I see it,
Chatsworth's a gold mine, and no-one's taking advantage,
so I'm digging in for the long-term.
With the shop, I can undercut suppliers to other businesses with my own stock.
Everybody benefits, especially us.
Starting here.
I know Jamie's struggling, and there's no way he'd take it from me.
Just want to help.
You want to set your mind at ease, more like.
Keep it.
And the husband says, "Everything! Get the fuck out of my house!"
The joke! I've remembered the end of the joke.
I'll be waiting.
How's Max?
It's sound.
So how is she?
Same as you - just getting on with it, you know.
I know it's hard for... for both of you.
It's fine, honest.
When I said we'd stay mates, I didn't expect... It's just...
Awkward.
I don't want to hate her, but I do...and I don't.
IAN: That's normal.
Give it time. I reckon you two are meant to be together.
Like me and Shane.
IAN: Things could be a lot worse, you know.
Micky, smell my finger.
- What's that? - Your mam! (LAUGHS)
Urgh, what's that? Smells like shit!
Your dad!
Mmm, do you want me to tell you what he had for his tea last night?
You know he hasn't got a dad, you tosser.
- He's not got a...? - No.
Four beers, please, Mum.
(LAUGHTER)
Didn't realise you and Billy were so close off the pitch.
Yeah. He's staying at ours.
Poor bastard, he's been kicked out for selling his granddad's medication.
So I'm letting him get his head down
in Micky's old room till he can sort something better.
Tell Billy to pop upstairs when he gets a chance.
Micky's sheets come with their own natural starch.
I've got some clean ones he can use.
I told you to disappear.
I tried to let you down gently.
By threatening to kill me?
You wouldn't kill a kid.
Given the choice, I wouldn't fuck one either.
You sure?
Cos I want more than just a wank from now on.
One word, just one word from me about what's been going on...
police, family... Your life won't be worth living.
And I don't want that.
It's like you said, no man round here will touch you,
cos you're Mrs Patrick Maguire.
I'm the best you can hope for.
What is it you want? Drugs? Money?
You! Ever since we first met.
Just you.
Tonight, 11, round the back.
- What do you want me for? - Little Liam, is that you?
FRANK: Give us your tie, will you?
I'm not throwing three quid in the pot
for the privilege of drinking in this shithole.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
He dragged you over here for that?
Don't let him take the piss.
I'm sorting it. What he can't see can't harm him.
- Nice one. - LIAM: Tea will be ready at six.
What are you gawping at, numb nuts?
Carl, is that you?
How did you know it was me?
Who else would it be?
Here, fasten this tie for us, will you? You know I'm invalid.
Never noticed it before, but this place fucking stinks...
I can distinctly smell the putrid odour of stale beer and piss.
That's you.
Oh.
I'm cancelling tonight.
I'm not in the mood, and there's not enough staff.
I can't afford to cancel. Mam, you promised.
Fine. But I'm finished at 11 on the dot.
Fine.
Drink.
(SHOUTS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
#..Best years of our lives... #
Listen, you've no need to hide your new man from me.
I don't know what shite people are spouting,
but I haven't got a fella.
And for your information, I don't need one. This smile's me own.
Surprised she's not beating men off with a stick.
It's her legs, see. Irresistible.
Pins like Anne Bancroft in her heyday.
He's not a charity, Shane. You're best leaving things as is.
I can't, Kel.
Just focus on the deal with Joe tomorrow.
Have a look at him. It's not easy for him, you know.
Men like me dad are a dying breed.
Not interested.
Fucking hell!
MAN: He loves it!
MAN: Give him ten of the best! He loves it, the dirty bastard!
Hickory Dickory?
50 to 1, Jay, dead cert.
- Thank me later. - Cheers, mate.
Jamie, we're taking Dad out tomorrow night, all of us.
Too much on here.
Come on. You work too hard.
You need a break.
Give your mind a rest for one night.
I'll square it with Mam to baby-sit. Me and Micky will sort out your drinks.
- MICKY: Well... - All right. Cheers, lads.
I feel fucking everything.
He thinks his cigs taste different cos his senses are heightened.
Party carries on back at ours if you're up for it, Carlos.
Best see to him, make sure he gets home all right.
Oh, fuck...
FRANK: Where the shit am I?
Oh, hello?
Come on, I know there's someone here,
cos I could hear a squelching noise.
Yeah, come on, just here. Oh, come on, just point us home.
Sod you, then. As you were.
Roll out the barrel.
CARL: What you doing down there?
FRANK: Er... I'm blind, not fucking soft.
There's someone at it down there.
Either that or they're milking a cow.
Er, that way.
FRANK: Oh, fuck!
Oof! Oof!
- Help us, anyone! - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Eh? Come on!
WOMAN: Oh, you poor thing, you!
Oh!
Let's get you cleaned up.
Oh!
Thanks very much, love.
Ow!
Clothes on spin dry, shouldn't be long.
There was a library card in your pocket - I put it away safe for you.
Oh.
I think that chapter of my life is closed.
WOMAN: Oh.
WOMAN: Do you miss it, seeing?
FRANK: I can't... My memory's... Val...
There's no point dwelling on the past, is there?
You know, you've got to move on and make the best of now.
Any...man in your life?
VAL: Just one.
Ronald.
I've put him out of my life. Just a memory now.
Ooh, you are naughty for asking, Frank!
It is nice, having...
A man's touch?
Ooh, I couldn't take advantage.
You took me in, fed me, cleaned and undressed me
when no-one would care for me.
It's me who's taking advantage, Val.
FRANK: I think we both want the same thing, don't we? Companionship. Love.
I mean, it's only natural when two lonely souls find each other.
It has been a long time.
A very, very long time.
Ah!
The...best...blow...job... in...my...life!
Oh! Oh!
(# BEE GEES: Stayin' Alive)
# Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
# I'm a woman's man no time to talk
# Music loud and women warm
# I've been kicked around since I was born
# And now it's all right, it's OK And you may look the other way
# We can try to understand
# The New York Times effect on man
# Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother
# You're stayin' alive Stayin' alive
# Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'
# And we're stayin' alive Stayin' alive
# Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
# Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin' alive... #
Al Pacino.
- DEALER: 12. - JOE: Hit me.
- 16. - Hit me.
- 20. - Hit me.
That's not how you win, Ches!
Hit me.
- DEALER: Sir, you have 20. - Hit me!
That's how you win! (LAUGHS)
It's like a sausage factory in here.
Nah, it's grand. We just need to liven things up
with a game of Pull A Pig!
Kelly.
Yeah, I couldn't pull a pig if I tried, me.
I'm a magnet for model types, I can't help it.
Nah!
No. Anyway, it's misogynistic and sexist.
Extra points if you get one with a hump!
Come on - in the middle.
I've never seen him like this before. He's even creeping me out.
I can't believe I promised him he'd get laid tonight.
Should I have a word or summat? I feel responsible.
He's doin' me 'ead in!
I think it's time to make a move, yeah?
Nonsense!
I'm on to a winner over there. Buck-eyed and harelipped!
Yeah, well, it's just...
A problem?
ALL: No.
Good. My round.
I've got some business to sort. I'll be back in an hour tops.
Shane!
Shit! Are you Benson?
I'm Paddy Maguire.
All night it's had me on edge.
His chips aren't adding up.
He's got more than he's won. I've kept count.
If I'd known you wanted us out to baby-sit Dad,
I wouldn't have fuckin' bothered!
I know. I'm sorry.
Well, one of us should go back.
No, he's probably fucked off home by now.
Yeah, and what if he hasn't?
Piss it!
Shit!
Fraud?
Fuck off!
If you don't want me taking your money, you shouldn't make it so easy, pal.
I tell you what, I tell you what, I tell you what...
I roll a seven and I'll leave.
Roll an eight and I'll stay.
Come on...
(SCREAMS)
(THUMPING DANCE MUSIC)
WOMAN: Are you on your own?
Thought so! (GIGGLES)
(SILENCE)
(DOOR SLAMS)
Shane with you?
Ugh...
I knew this night were a write-off from the start.
You've got issues, Paddy,
and a night on the tiles ain't going to solve 'em.
What the fuck would you know?!
I come across men like you every day.
Shaving their balls and trading in the people carrier for a convertible.
Well, they also realise
there's no such thing as feeling as young as the person you're poking!
And your lot, treating you like you're something different...
I'm sick of it!
Do you know what I'm sick of?
Shane made me a promise tonight.
Didn't deliver.
Can't have that, can we?
- I clocked off an hour ago. - Clock back on.
Well, wash your cock in the sink and throw on a condom.
(# HARRY CHAPIN: Cat's In The Cradle)
# I've long since retired And my son's moved away
# I called him up just the other day
# I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
# He said, "I'd love to, Dad if I can find the time
# "You see, my new job's a hassle and the kid's got the flu
# "But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
# "It's been sure nice talking to you"
# And as he hung up the phone it occurred to me
# He'd grown up just like me My boy was just like me
# And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... #
This were just a job for me.
- What's your excuse? - (PHONE RINGS)
# "When ya comin' home, son?"
# "I don't know when But we'll get together then, Dad
# "We're gonna have a good time then."#
Liam! Membership of Club Blunkett has expired, son!
Look at that! I am glowing!
I'm actually glowing!
Told you I'd cure myself, didn't I? My way, like I always have.
You didn't do anything. We swapped your vices for virtues.
We swapped your lager for non-alcoholic,
your cigarettes for herbals,
and you've been popping paracetamol the last few days, not Es.
You've still been getting drunk. It's called a placebo effect.
Feel good, did it? Stamping all over your father's pride?
Laughing at me behind me back?
"Oh, ha-ha. Look at Dad tripping on Anadin!"
You know, it's been a real eye-opener, this...
Abused by me own blood.
Treated as a third-class citizen in me own house.
I was a very sick man, son.
I needed respect... compassion...delicate handling.
Actually, you know, it's good that the truth has come out,
cos it makes what I'm about to say ten times easier.
I'm off.
You are on your own from now on.
I've met someone, and she cares.
We care! That's why we did it.
We love ya.
Yeah, well...
Hitler loved fuckin' eugenics. Don't make it right, does it?
(DOOR SLAMS)
Frankie.
Ronald?
Different name...same old shop.
As long as I break even, I'm happy.
It's enough to get me by and then I can live off my winnings.
Winnings? You're barred from every casino and bookie in Manchester.
Next person round that corner - woman.
Man.
Ah! Pay up.
- Void bet, it's Lillian. - (BOTH LAUGH)
Fuck off!
(SPLASHING)
(DOOR SHUTS)
Shane.
Don't worry, I'm not about to tell him.
As far as I care, you're just another sad twat who pays for sex.
(WHISPERS) Except I'm your sweetheart's da.
Shane is worth ten of...
What?
Me or you?
(WHISPERS) Both.
SHANE: Tough shit on the fuck-up, Joe.
But I played my end - 60%.
Never let it be said that Joe Pritchard
didn't keep his part of the deal, even if he is out of pocket.
Oh, cheer up, Joe.
Arrested, tagged and skint all in 24 hours?
You're proper one of us now.
Compliments of Joe.
Shane!
A bit of everything goes in the pot, Kel - it always has.
It wasn't Maguire money! It was for a savings on our own place.
She's right. Anything you make off your own bat is yours.
Add it to your nest egg.
Oh...déjà vu.
Time of the month, babe.
(# BAND IN PUB: Mrs Robinson)
We're getting loads of young ones in here lately.
Don't know what the attraction is.
Not complaining, though.
Hey, do us a favour? Watch the bar while I check on Connor?
OK, man.
Something funny?
Three pints and a... when you're ready.
What, a milkshake?
I meant I'll have a wank.
I know what you meant.
Billy's told us everything.
We've got money.
One more word out of you, smart arse,
and you'll be picking glass out of your face for the next two weeks.
What the fuck are you doing? They're only kids.
Billy Tutton's a lying piece of shit and not to be trusted.
Do you hear?
Sorry.
And that's what happens if I catch anyone underage...
drinking in here!
This isn't a fucking youth club.
# And here's to you, Mrs Robinson
# Jesus loves you more than you will know... #
You were out of order back there. And all those kids weren't lying.
Mind your own fucking business!
I saw you with Billy. Sort your head out, Mimi.
#..Heaven holds a place for those who pray... #
Carl!
CARL: You really didn't know?
On me babies' lives.
So what are you going to do?
Get rid of him.
Fuck, that's a bit drastic, isn't it? It was only a wank.
What do you take me for, Carl?!
I mean sending him on a holiday. Permanently.
He's always banging on about some auntie in Billericay.
So how you going to do that?
Spread a rumour, then you're gonna chase him out of town.
And if that doesn't send the bastard packing...
plan B.
JAMIE: Mam!
Could do with some help.
Just telling Carl the good news. He's our new star striker!
(# ART GARFUNKEL: Bright Eyes)
# Is it a kind of dream? #
(HE SNIFFLES)
#..Floating out on the tide... #
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, what have I done?
Look, I understand why you did what you did, son...
you wanted your dad back.
The house has gone to shit without me.
#.. There's a fog along the horizon
# A strange glow in the sky... #
I'm sorry, Dad.
I promise I'll always be here for you.
For as long as I'm collecting your benefits.
Now, come on, dry your eyes.
Things didn't work out with your new girlfriend?
Oh...
When it came down to it...
I couldn't leave you.
SHANE: Kel!
Dad's given us his room.
There's more space.
You need it more than I do.
I'm making some changes.
Wasn't there something else?
Kel?
You heard about Billy?
It's all over the estate that I'm a kiddie-fiddler!
I know. I started it.
All it took was one quick word on the rumour mill,
and, bingo, you're about as popular as an immigrant at a BNP rally.
For your own good.
I've been chased home from school, fucking battered...cos of you!
Tell me about it, stud.
I'll go to the police. I'll tell them the real truth.
Be my guest. The police are probably out there now looking for you.
I phoned your auntie and explained
you were having a bit of trouble with the locals.
Said she'd be glad to have ya.
No! I...I love you.
That's what I thought. Then I realised it's not me you love.
- I love you. - You miss your mum.
- I love you. - I'm not your mother!
A one-way ticket and a few quid to see you through.
One thing they love round here is a fucking good witch-hunt.
You're a lamb to the slaughter if you stay.
No! You're going to sort it. Everything you've done to me...
Do you even give a shit what you've put me through?
I haven't put in years of hard graft raising a family
so that you can come along and fuck it up!
Your family's a gang of fucking thieves and freaks.
They don't deserve you!
This is your last warning.
No!
Calm down. You were right.
I could never kill a kid.
Not a defenceless one, anyway.
Self-defence, Your Honour.
Don't worry,
I'll make sure you're buried with your slag of a mother.
(HE SOBS)
(GUN CLICKS)
MIMI: Being dead is a funny way of putting life into perspective.
It makes you appreciate everything you had,
everyone you left behind.
But before you know it, you're six feet under,
and it's too late when you finally realise, "Fuck!
"Everything I thought I needed to be happy was all an illusion..."
(DISTANT SHOUTS)
"...I was always happy."
Good job he shot me first - my gun had real bullets in it.
MIMI: Not so bad on the sub bench now, is it?
Oh, oh...oh!